There’s no way around it. Whether your own family is blended or not – statistically speaking –blending will touch you. Your sister or brother may be members of blended families, your children’s friends may come from blended families, your own friends may be parents in blended families – or, more likely – a combination of the above is true. In fact, according to a study published in the Journal of the American board of Family Medicine, in the 1960s, “90% of children in the United States grew up in homes with two biological parents compared with only about 40% today.”If you’re one of those touched personally by blending (like me), you know that blended family dynamics can be pretty complex. The “biggie” blending issues that seem to consistently garner the most airtime are things like: child support, visitation and effective co-parenting.It’s the things that aren’t often spoken out loud, though, that seem at least as – if not more – challenging when it comes to blending families. For example, effectively managing different mores, values and religious beliefs between two households can be difficult on everyone – the children of the divorced couple, the children of remarried partners, and all parents – biological as well as “steps.”
Challenges Posed By “The Other House”: My Story
My husband’s ex-wife was raised Catholic. They didn’t marry in the church and he didn’t really practice any particular faith when they were married, but both believed in a higher power. Fast forward. By the time he and I met, my husband was older and was actively seeking a closer relationship to a God he’d only loosely acknowledged throughout his lifetime. I was also Catholic, and he happily joined the church where he began a renewed journey of faith and practice.
Shortly after we married, his ex-wife decided to go back to school and became involved with one of her professors whom she would later marry. Not long after that, my husband’s children (ages 5 and 9 at that time) informed us that “Mom doesn’t believe in God anymore.” This was tricky, because we had been taking them to church with us each Sunday they were in our care, we sent them to a renowned (wildly inspiring and uplifting without being preachy or bible-banging) church camp for kids, we routinely prayed with them at meals and bedtime, and just generally lived a life of “belief” without having to field the tough questions. Once their mom met and married a man who was a proclaimed atheist, my stepdaughters’ mom, too, became an atheist, and this posed some new challenges on our end for which we hadn’t really prepared. Since my husband’s girls trusted and believed in their parents (both of them), they were now quite confused about whether or not to believe in a higher power, because the information they were getting from two people whom they loved very much… now greatly conflicted.
Our differences in value systems began to show in other ways, too, like movies the kids were allowed to watch, clothing choices, positions about leaving the children at home alone, etc. Suddenly, the “biggies” like child support, visitation, etc., didn’t seem so big anymore compared with all of the daily challenges posed when blending families. We realized that while a parent’s instinct is to wholly and completely attempt to protect, guide and teach your children, the game is changed when someone else is actively attempting to do the same – but in opposing ways. At times, it really feels like looking up a steep, 10 mile hill, knowing you have to climb that hill (even when you’re tired).
Resist the Urge to Say “My Way or the Highway”
What we quickly found out was that, as with many other challenging moments in blended family settings, there were many opportunities to hold our tongues. For example: what we most felt like saying was “Oh, girls, pleeease don’t let everything you’ve been taught and have come to know about God and faith get flushed down the toilet because your mom whimsically decided she doesn’t believe in God or meat anymore!” (she also coincidentally became a vegetarian like her new counterpart, the professor). Instead, what we said, was, “One of the most important things about faith is the journey you take to find what feels right in your hearts.” Sometimes I felt myself almost want to vomit when I heard my own words, but before the feeling would overcome me, I’d look into my stepdaughters’ wondering eyes and – right before me – they would somehow become calmed by my response and (I assume) my own sense of calm. In short, it won’t serve the kids well to say “Our way is the right way, and your [Mom/Dad, insert other parent here] is just [insert adjective here: silly/lost/fickle/etc.].”
What you’re thinking in those moments is probably something like: Oh please don’t believe that load of crap they’re feeding you. You KNOW what we’re teaching you is right… right?
What the kids hear: Blahblahblah. I don’t like your other parent, and I’m using this as a terrific opportunity to put my petty feelings about them first by talking poorly or in judgment about them. Really.
It doesn’t matter how right you think you are (or even how right you reallyare by objective standards). Talking poorly about a child’s parent to them is never a good idea.
Model Like You’ve Never Modeled Before
Regardless of which philosophical or spiritual position you make take in your blended dynamic, if you desire to influence your children with your philosophy/way of feeling-being-doing, just… live. That’s right. Live your beliefs. Live your philosophies. Live your way of being. We’ve all heard the age-old adage “actions speak louder than words.” In blended family settings, particularly in which two households are in fundamental spiritual and behavioral opposition to one another – this is never more treue. Mere words – as in the example above – will often get lost and will usually do more damage than good. ACTIONS, on the other hand, are the stuff that sticks. Consistent demonstration is really the most powerful tool you have to communicate your way of viewing the world, so it’s helpful in those moments when you have a strong urge to just SAY that your way is “much, much better,” you check yourself. Hold your tongue. Skip topics. Pinch yourself. Whatever you need to do.
Remember your Youth
And yes, it IS easier said than done to simply “hold your tongue.” In those moments in which you feel the only way to communicate your beliefs, values, and morals to your “blended” children is by lecturing… stop. Think for a moment back to when you were 10… or 12… or 17. Remember what went through your head when your parents were telling you – well, almost anything. It probably wasn’t as blatant or insightful as “Sorry Mom/Dad/Stepmom/Stepdad, but I need to figure these things out on my own.” But it was something along those jagged lines. Even when it’s hard, trust that the modeling you’re doing is sticking on some level, and try to remember that rebelling – even if quietly – is a necessary part of those wonder years. Due to the slew of complex mental and emotional challenges faced by kids in divorce situations, rebellion (within reason) is an even more “normal” behavior. Therefore, at the first sign that your children are retreating from your household doctrine, or drifting from the philosophical/spiritual/religious guidelines you’ve laid out… stop. Take a breath. Give it time. Be confident that if you’re modeling kindness, confidence, and humility – no matter what the details of your belief system – your children are learning from you. If you need to, make sure to remind yourself that when you act in didactic, competitive, judgmental or stubborn ways, your children are learning from you then, too.
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